YEAH IM BLOGGING A LOT TODAY BUT WHAT CAN I SAY I LIKE TYPING THINGS BECAUSE IT MAKES ME FEEL IMPORTANT LIKE MY LIFE AMOUNTS TO SOMETHING.

I'm going to do another list because.. um i dont know.
NUMBERING.

1: even though i dont actually like you i enjoy flirting with you because it makes me feel loved and it gets pretty boring to be me
2: i get lonely a lot. but i think it gets pretty lonely to be anyone.
3: wanna know something obvious? im super insecure. lots of things make me more insecure, but i think thats just who i am. or thats what circumstances have lead me to be. except im not going to change because of it. because i like who i am. i just get freaked out other people dont like who i am. so i hide myself deep down so that nobody can see it and judge it. and now even if i want to show people who i am i cant. because its buried too far away. because i don't know who i am anymore. i change for everyone so much i can't tell who the real me is. its like im in those weird halls of mirrors at carnivals and i dont know which mirror is me anymore.
4: i can't tell people anything about myslelf. i just can't. i can't open up. i can never find the moment. or i can never find the words. or the words slip away and i don't know how to get them back. but there are so many things i want to say to you. infinite things. so many they're constantly jumping around in my head and it hurts because they're banging so hard. but when am i to know when to say them? i have no guts. its a shame.
5: i think i shake most when i'm nervous. or when i'm saying important things i don't want to say. im shaking quite a lot right now, actually.
6: even though i say it as a joke, i actually do want to be a hippy. i want to be dirt poor and live in a caravan with some pothead guy with long shaggy hair. i want to write poetry every day and get money by selling shit at flea markets. i want to spend my life travelling around the world, chasing bands and going to concerts every night, getting stoned while watching the sun go down, not caring that i don't have money. ceebs with life. ceebs with everything.
7: even though i don't like.. some people. or are different to them, i kind of like being accepted anyway. i like belonging. even if i dont belong and its all a lie. i like lies. i hide behind them so often they've become my friends.