Everyone seems to be in that shitty end of year mood.
I'm not.. really.
I don't know hey. I guess I went through the depression thing like.. halfway through the year or whatever so now I'm all depressed out. Or something. And things are going to change a lot next year. So. I'm not all. Fucked up over having nothing to look forward to. I'm actually holding up really well, considering.
But I feel like I should be sad to be leaving by now. Like, looking at everyone and everything and being all witstful and full of remorse but I'm not. I actually don't give a fuck really. I guess when I actually leave I'll be sad then. Like over summer when I spend 2 months 10 hours away from melbourne with a complete different set of friends I'll probably start missing Carey. And I'll probably start stupidly crying about missing people. But the actual people I like at Carey I don't even hang out with at school anyway. Because they're already gone. To france. Or sweden. Or I just dont.. see them. For multiple annoying reasons.
I guess I'd be lying though if I said sometimes I don't just get home and get that tight feeling in my chest and get scared and sad and horribly, painfully lonely for no reason. But when that happens I lie on the floor in my room and look at the ceiling for a long time and wait for the sadness to pass. And then things are okay again.
And life goes on.
Just like forever.
I've never liked someone so much it hurts. I feel so cynical, sometimes. Like I can never fully love anybody.
Like I don't even know the meaning of the word.
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