who gives a shit.

I think I'm going to go for a walk to shake myself out of this shitty depressive mood.
Just had an amazingly deep conversation with logan that i'd like to continue here where barely anyone reads what i'm saying.

It's just the small problem that most of society are volatile and horrible human beings. what a wonderful point to conclude to.
and everyone that isnt some vindictive odious individual are stereotyped as outcasts and freaks who have to have miserable lives because they make the asinine mistake of being themselves and, hey, actually being slightly affable. maybe its just that some people hide their pleasantness very well. or they're all just vain and self obsessed and deluded into thinking they're the most wonderful, exciting people on the planet when its painfully apparent they've never had a deep thought in their life. most people just spend their teen years thinking about girls, or boys, or both, heck i dont give a shit, and maybe occasionally dragging themselves from sexual fantasies to ponder on their popularity before not being bothered doing anything remotely meaningful with their lives. it just pisses me off sometimes. that we dumb ourselves down and do stupid, irrational things because we don't want to be labelled as a nerd or a weirdo or any of that. or maybe people genuinely are dumb. and then i write blogs like this and people look at me like i'm some freak of nature, because, hey, i'm not happy all the time, and i'm not going to just 'chill out and stop overthinking.' maybe i want to use my fucking brain and question things. and maybe i'm sick of nobody living up to my expectations because underneath it all, theres fucking nothing there.
theres just nothing there.
nothing but an untenanted mind and trivial, vacant conversation.
how empty it all seems.
and what a desolate world we live in.

i am haunted by humans

the place had filled him with a sense of wisdom hovering just out of reach, of unspeakable grace prepared and waiting just around the corner, but he'd walked himself weak down its endless blue streets and those who knew how to live had kept their tantalising secret to themselves.

it finally feels like summer.
there is sand in my hair and i smell like the ocean and the sky is everywhere and so too are the sounds of the waves.
i think i am ready now. i think i am ready to be met.

I just want a musical break, baby.

omg what the fuck is my life.
so i was just sitting here, innocently listening to the josh thomas podcast, -i'm really into podcasts these days, they're a bit of a sneaky mood lifter- and then the one time- the ONE time dad comes into my room all night is when this girls talking about a horrific story of getting fingered. and of course i'm so distracted by listening to this that i don't hear him come in, so he arrives and has a pleasant, if surprising amount of time to hear dear mr thomas's friend go, 'he did finger me and he just did it with one finger, and he didn't move the finger once it was in my body, i was like, wow, who taught you how to finger? ET? wow this is beautiful. this is warmer than a tampon! oh this is great!' before i hurriedly paused the video and acted as if i had been extremely distracted with inspecting a small piece of lint on my bedspread the whole time. the plus side is that i'm finally at the beach so tomorrow, and maybe the next week, i'll just try to time it so that i disappear to someones house just as dad is going for a jog and arrive home as he's passed out sleeping in bed.
that way, we can all forget this happened!
just like the time we all forgot when i accidentally vomited on my dead grandmas bed because of eating bad fish and got so shocked i knocked over her porcelain cat and mum woke up in a rage.

-leaving now before i expose myself any further as the uncomfortable person that i am-

I have nothing of relevance to say.

So dig my head into the ground,
this muscle junkie tied me down.
And cut my limbs stuff them with air,
I won't, I can't I can't breathe here.
So lick the magazines with sweat,
and pour money into their blank heads.
Celebrities will die like you.
Fuck you. Fuck you. I hate your face.
Always. Can't you see? You'll die like me.
I'll never be you, that I know.
And I'll never be you, that I know. That I know.
And I'll never feel you I know.
I hate your face.

It's lovely and peaceful here.
You could almost imagine nothing else exists.
I go bikeriding like 5 times a day with everyone and we go yabbying and on the way back when I'm riding my bike looking at the trees and the sun and the clouds and the bales of hay I almost stop thinking and feel like I feel when I'm reading. When everything slows down and becomes simple and you're lost in yourself and what you're doing and everything feels special and manageable.
The world is nice right now.

And a happy hanukkuh to all !!

so i've been here one day and i've already got 2 superman bandaids on my legs and am covered in mosquito bites, ant bites, dried blood, various dirt, sunscreen and insect repellant. i feel like a swagman. or, if i knew what a swagman was, i'd feel like a swagman.
but the cool part is i feel like heidi from that book called heidi about that irish girl called heidi because i look all prutty in grammas flowery pyjama shorts and my woolly green jumper and ma hair tucked behind ma ear <3 <3 <3
ya.
people from the country are weird.
i find it funny that they're like 16 and their dads chillin like 10 metres away from them and they're drinking beer and saying fuck after every fucking second fucking word fucking fuck.
so lyk chillled aaahah!

anyway.
happy christmas or whatever.
i'd say merry but its a pretty godawful word.
hope y'all had a cracking day anddd whatever.
i'm certainly underwhelmed.

merry christmas you lovely individuals.

I love when my brother buys me the bowers and muse in vinyl for christmas and my friends buy be poetry books from the 1920's and amusing badges and simon and garfunkle cd's because secretly we all love them.
in all seriousness though, its fine to find erins brother hot though, right? cmon. hes in a band. he wear leather jackets.
fuck this i'm going swimming.

CAMILLE

I got the selected works of William Shakespeare for christmas.
it is a wonderful present.
much better than when aunty dawn got me a pair of socks. Which actually happened.
Her name is aunty dawn which is ironic because usually aunts have horrible names and she has a horrible name.
Wait. That isnt ironic. It's just stereotypical.
There are too many words in this world.
we need a new fire.

Hey camille?
remember 2 minutes ago when i said I'd write you a blogpost.
-this is caitlin writing camille a blogpost-

GOODBYE.

You take the fun out of life. You make it rain, when the sun shines!

Hullo everyone.
Isn't that a happy start?
I spelt hullo like winnie the pooh spells it, which generally indicates joy.
Woah, hold back! Everyone seems a little down in the dumps round these parts.
I bet your all going to hate me now for not posting a blog post about hate and hating me because I used to do that all the time when I sounded like a knob and y'all were all, 'LOLZ I LOVE LIFE IMMA GO SWIM IN MA POOL!'
no seriously though nobody did those posts.
Unless they did! AHA!
The point is its hard to be sad at the moment for some reason which is cool.
Maybe its because I dyed my hair a lovely colour. Or I've been watching the ricky gervais show on youtube. Or its sunny today. Or tenzin keeps coming to my house when I'm bored and reduced to eating horrible icypoles.
THE POINT IS friends are really cool.
ALL OF YOU! haha! even the ones at carey i keep in touch with! you're all lovely! all 3 of you! No there are more than 3. I swear. I SWEAR. AAHA AHAHAH!
No but yes. I even love nick gooch. He's a great bloke.
And I feel special with my hair now. Even though I still hate my feet!
hoho!
No seriously though I hate my feet.
AND LOVE IS IN THE AIR. EVERYWHEREEEEE ITS THE SUMMER OF LOVEE. tully and logan. my dad and my mum. tenzin and gooch HAHA KIDDING! my dog and ellies dog! everyones in love!!!!!!!!!
ME AND MY HUNDREDS OF ADMIRES! not really. just maggie! shes the only one for me!
what am i even saying.
i'm going to go eat icecream in the city now. maybe gooch will come and brighten my day.
GOD LETS PLAY HOW MANY TIMES CAN YOU MENTION GOOCH IN ONE POST!
GOOCH GOOCH GOOASDA GOOVCHVSAGPR[EWKSVN GOOOOOOCH.

PS: Hi camille. I like camille. I will miss CAMILLE SO MUCH BUT IM GONNA CALL HER AT 3 IN THE MORNING.
seriously though lol be prepared.
HOW ABOUT I JUST WRITE CAMILLE A WHOLE BLOG FOR HER.
THATS HOW SPESH SHE IS.
have I ever said spesh in my life?
No. I don't believe I have.


PPS: This blog would be so much coooler if you could hear the voice I'm making GOODBYE.

As you wish my dear

I'm kinda tired as fuck but whatever.
I'm tired as fuck all the time. Something to do with teenagers being reclusive nocturnal bitter people or something.
I don't know how bitter came into it. How did bitter come into it?
Dyeing my hair permanently purple today. Surprise and stuff.
The thing I find funny is how far away from Carey I already feel.
Funny how people are all like, 'I love you so much you have no idea let's keep in touch lolzz!' and then they don't at all even slightly.
Actually maybe people weren't all like that.
Whatever.
The point is Devil is a horrible movie the end.
I say the end too much.
I should really stop using it as a convenient abrupt place to end sentences when I don't know how to end the- THE END.
Haha kidding! but no seriously I don't know where to end this blog.
-end blog-

I'll taste the devils tears, drink from his soul but I'll never give you up.

''It's nothing but time and a face that you lose
I chose to feel it and you couldn't choose
I'll write you a postcard
I'll send you the news
From a house down the road from real love.
Live through this, and you won't look back.
There's one thing I want to say, so I'll be brave
You were what I wanted
I gave what I gave
I'm not sorry I met you
I'm not sorry it's over
I'm not sorry there's nothing to save
I'm not sorry there's nothing to save... ''

I'll just sit here and listen to santa monica dream and read my book and feel generally content for no particular reason.
I love my friends.
I say that too much.
We say that too eachother too much.
oh well. I don't care.

Who the fucks idea was it to stay up all night.

Its 8 in the morning and I'm listening to tenzin play guitar while abi reads some random book out loud and tully... where even is tully.
But omg like we're so alternative.
But its kind of awful because we stayed up all night watching movies and eating pointless things and then at like 5 we went outside to watch the sunrise so I'm currently -dying of tiredness-

the plus was that yesterday I got to make Logan and Tully incredibly uncomfortable.
I bet they appreciated me playing 'all you need is love' really loud every time they tried to hold hands or hug.
SINCE ALL THEY DO IS HUG OR KISS FOR LIKE 2 SECONDS. NOT THAT IT BOTHERS ME OR ANYTHING.
EXCEPT THAT IT BOTHERS ME A LOT. SINCE LOGAN NEEDS TO DO MORE I MEAN WHAT?
i didn't just say that.
that wasn't me.

As a sidenote, I certainly did not make tenzin and tully come to the bathroom with me after being convinced a demon was going to inhabit my body on account of watching the exorcism of emily rose.
I am not that impossibly immature.

And He's just not that into you is boring.
Really, really boring.
If it didn't have drew barrymore in it it'd be like on the level of valentines day. or all about steve.

Today I had an incredibly lovely conversation with someone

Me: its just like
i never got ANY attention
from ANY one
in the WORLD
until like 2 terms ago
and then it ALL came at once

Tenzin: same with me
except with friends
I and coolness
wow
well

Me: yeah yeah.
i get you

Tenzin: there goes that coolness

Me: no its there
its there for certain

Tenzin: you know what Caitlin?

Me: indeed

Tenzin: you kinda brought us together a little

Me: oh?

Tenzin: like, Tul and I were never this close
or this open

Me: really?!? i was never this wonderfully close with tully either

Tenzin: or this, I dunno, happy?

Me: SAME
like before lorne i was kinda depressive

Tenzin: like, I love my friends at school and all

Me; but yeah lorne was a turning point

Tenzin: but, sometimes people leave me feeling worse about myself rather than better
and you guys sorta leave me grinning

Me: YEAH EXACTLY. like i think its different with me but i dont feel the same sort of connection
like sometimes when i see some other people.
its an effort, like i feel like i should do it, but with you guys i want to

Tenzin: yesh!
and I feel happy after just reading the comments on photos and stuff

Me: yeah yeah!

Tenzin: and some of the old jokes still actually make me laugh, like properly laugh

Me: I KNOW OMG!
the comments are kinda hilarious

Tenzin: I don't think I've ever been anywhere near this funny before

Me: neither have i! its just like all this confidence has come from nowhere

Tenzin: and I actually don't even give a crap about what anyone else thinks anymore
because you guys are always there

Me: EXACTLY! i just care what people i care about think
like people might think i'm weird but im beyond caring
because with other people it was like, i was consantly on edge, having to please everyone

Tenzin: and that's why I was thinking.
because I thought I didn't have this anymore

Me: yeah i know what you mean. i dont want stuff to change

Tenzin: and then today made me so happy
because everything was kinda normal and Tully and Logan were lovely.

Me: yeah it really was. And they really are.

Tenzin: I think so too.
I just kinda love logan anyway

Me: yeah. hes affable

Tenzin: is it bad that I had to look up 'affable'?

Me: no. its just me being moderately nerdy

Tenzin: I love you caitlin cassidy
as I love Tully berry

Me: and you tenzin casey waters.
and logan penney

Tenzin: and even mr lovesick lolgan penney

Me: and even mr nick gooch
why not

Tenzin: because he hates aaron
no

Me: no? no nick gooch?

Tenzin: nick gooch makes me feel awkward

Me: well. i like him then.
i dont mind his presence.

Tenzin: he doesn't really have the same effect you guys have
he sorta makes me cringe

Me: this is true. but i dont mind him as a friend in the background
hanging round every moon or so

Tenzin: he's fine in the background
yeah
every now and then

Me: every moon
every solar eclipse

Tenzin: but I've never looked at a comment he's made and grinned from ear to ear and been proud to call him my friend
and felt the need to call one of them
*him

Me: thats incredibly true.
YEAH! I ACTUALLY CALL YOU GUYS! I NEVER CALLED OTHERS!

Tenzin: or organise to hang out with him

Me: still on nick gooch. okay. i can deal.

Tenzin: sorry
I was writing that when you said the thing before
but yeah

Me: and then we got confused

Tenzin: I've never called, like, someone else out of the blue and gone 'I wrote a song! Come over! I need your presence to feel pretty and funny again'

Me: yeah exactly. i cant just randomly go to other friends houses
it just doesnt happen

Tenzin: oh no! we're being as cheesy as tul and logan!.
oh well
I love you
I love us

Me: OH WELL! WHO CARES!
I MISS US!
BUT I DONT! COS US IS HERE!

Tenzin: us is now!
us is forever!

Me: US NEVER DIES!
...too far?
maybe

Tenzin: nah
US WILL CONQUER THEM!

Me: ITS LIKE
IN THAT MOVIE
set in america in like the 60's
about those 4 kids
best friends
who went on a trip together
and they were only 12
and when the guy was old
like 60
he said he'd grown apart from the 12 year olds since
but he's never had a friendship that strong
as ones from childhood

Tenzin: except we're 14
and hopefully be friends well into young adulthood

Me: yeah but. the message is the same
friendships you make when you're like our age are strong
and like
good
generally



...And I just felt the need to post it because it made my night/life.
We're corny but it's okay cos we're special.

Note: All jokes directed at logans lovesickness were for larf only. Also love for logan is brotherly not in any way, shape, or form sexual. If logan is reading this, hullo logan. How are you? Keeping well? Staying fit? One would hope so!

LOGAN AND TENZIN LOGAN AND TENZIN LOGAN AND TENZIN

It's nice to know people read my blog.
And because I promised,

Wow. Logan-Ahem, I mean Mr Boyfriend, and Tenzin are so cool. I should really write about them some more, shouldnt I? On account of them being cool.
Today Mr Boyfriend and I met at a cafe and went to tullys house but it was awkward because we only saw her for 5 minutes because then she had to go rowing. So then Mr Boyfriend and I went to Melbourne Girls and I bought a drink. And THEN we went to a park and Tenzin came and we had a whale of a time and then we went for a walk and I found a box. Then we sat in the weed field. Then we all lived happily ever after with lots of fun stuff I left out in between.

Last night was arduous. I saw Harry Potter for the third time and then we watched the Notebook which was AMAZING AND SO ROMANTIC AND CUTE AND ROMANTIC AND CUTE AND LOVELY AND SO DEEP AND POETIC AND PROFOUND AND CUTE <3 <3 <3 ahem yeah and then we watched Disturbia which isnt even that scary, I just like it because it has Shia La Beouf. Who's so incredibly attractive. Except he should grow his hair a bit more. But maybe thats just me. And then I fell asleep somewhere after, while watching Angus thongs and perfect snogging, I discovered the 'hot guy' in it sounds somewhat like a gay Michael Jackson. Oh the horror.

I'm tired and feel sick.
I JUSTTTT WANTTT YOUUUUU TO WANT MEEEE
I JUST NEEEEEEED YOUUU TO NEEED MEEEEEE.
I'D LOVEEEE YOUUUUU TO LOVEE MEEEEEEEEEEEEE.
TENZINNN THANKS FOR GETTING THIS STUCK IN MY HEAD LUL NO SRSLY THIS IS A CRACKING SONG

I think this calls for a hearty round of 'wink winks' and an excited chorus of 'say n'mores'

So I woke up this morning feeling moderately ill and my room was incredibly messy which everyone knows freaks me out because I'm so obsesssive about cleanliness, and then I went to look for food and stepped right on a pin. And it hurt like hell so I really quickly pulled it out and thought I'd be fine and then I went to look for food again and there was nothing in our cupboard. Nothing except like, horrible stale chocolate and uncooked pasta. So then I went back into my room and I saw this massive stain of blood on the floor and i was like, LOL WUTS THAT FROM?!?! and then I looked down at my foot and it was bleeding like a lot. Like a lot a lot. And I was like, God, why u no like Caitlin?

And then I had a shower and got invited to a picnic with Calypso The End.

PS: I'll just leave this here.

Click the above image or die ^^^^^^^^
No but seriously.

PPS: STANNNN LEEEEEEEEEEEEE.

I'MMMMM STAN LEEEEEE

STAAAAAAAANNNNNN LEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
EEEEEEEEEEE!

LOLZ U GUISE.
guess wut?
MUSE IS NOW OFFICALLY THE BEST CONCERT CAITLIN HAS EVER BEEN TO IN HER LIFE NO JOKE THE END.
seriously you guise.
IT WAS SO AMAZING OH MY GOD.
every song was epic and they kept having these crazy 5 minute intense guitar solos and drum solo's and god they were crazy.
and the effects oh god. lazers and rising into the air and giant pillars with pictures and massive beach ball things coming from nowhere and can i cry now?
it was lovely. the end.

BUT IZ NOT DE END OHMAGAWDDD U GUISE LYK I WANT 2 SEE IT AGAINNNNN AAAAAAHHHHH I WANNA CRYYY CUZ IZ OVER ND MATT BELAMY IS RLY HOT LULLL!!!oneoneoneone????/////oneONEE!!! no but lyk srsly he's amazin at guitar NEVER SEEN NOBODY SMASHHH UP LYK A GUITAR LYK HE CAN LULLL!!!oneone

now gracie's in my room telling me how to eat my toblerone.
NO SIR. YOU DO NOT TELL CAITLIN HOW TO EAT HER CHOCOLAT.
YOU DO NOT.
NO SIR.
NO.
SIR.
now she's talking about my spelling.
OH WASSUP BITCH U WANNA FIGHT MEH?
LEZ GO!

GUISE. NEWSFLASH.

So uunless you are a stupid fuck, you will have noticed KILLMYBIRD.BLOGSPOT.COM HAS HAD A BIT OF A CHANGE OF STYLE!
A bit of a 'revamp' in technical savvy terms.
I hope you enjoy the new background as much as I do.

Snaps to me for being up at 11.40, as per usual.
NOW LETS PLAY, 'WATCH CAITLIN SIT ON HER BED DOING NOTHING TILL 1 IN THE MORNING!'
Yeahh love that game!

WE'RE ALL JUST SOOOOOO HAPPY YOU DIVORCED ME BECKY! SSSSSSS!

So I'm sittin there, MUNCHIN' ON SOME NACHO'S, and I'm on facebook considering adding real teams to my favourite sporting teams or whatever, since ynow, NOT EVERYTHINGS MEANT TO BE A LARF, and then I'm like, HEY, SOCCEROO'S! So I'm chillin there, searchin 'socceroo's' into the little bar whatever thing, and what comes up but 'socceroo's lost 4-0 to GERMANY!' and I'm just like, OH, GOOD SIR, AREN'T YOU OBSERVANT! YOU MUST HAVE THE EYES OF AN EAGLE TO HAVE COME TO THAT CONCLUSION! WHY, I NEVER WOULD HAVE PICKED UP ON THIS FACT IF IT WEREN'T FOR YOU KIND FELLOW, GOOD JOB, GOOD JOB!
So then I was just like seriously fuck this, I gave Facebook a chance, and this is what they came up with.
Team Have-A-Go! will remain my only team, THE END.

On another note, today was very horrible because Nick Gooch called me 3 times and left strange messages. Sometimes I hate technology. It makes me way too accessible to everyone.
Maybe I should become one of those hermit people in the woods in little houses ironically made of wood in woods.
I can have a cane and shout gibberish insults at small children when they come past.
And then one kind child with a heart of gold will take the time to get to know me and we'll become the best of friends and then I'll show him pictures of when I was a child and tell him how I married a Jew when I was 18 and escaped to Russia because he beat me.

Or I could just get the fuck on with my real life.
Whichevs.

Everything's scary when it's real.

I'll just sit back and watch my relationship with my parents evaporate and watch me start hating everybody and trying to be cool when i'm not and then not trying to be cool and not being cool.
I'm sick of cool people anyway. I fucking hate cool people. Like seriously. Go away y'all.
Nice people are nicer and they dont try to hide behind some stupid fucked up ego.

Mis-shapen chaos in well seeming forms.


And stop pretending you have a right other people don't have because you think in some deluded, self fabricated sense that you're better than them.
You're not.

You're not better than everybody.
You're not better than anybody.

God sorry I'm just sick of a lot of awful teenagers being awful.
Fucking indie kids thinking they have some right over everyone else because they wear a hessian sack to school.
Oh, great, I totally want to be your friend because you dress like my grandmother and have so many piercings you like some creepy robot thing on that show where people built robots and the robots killed each other.
Wow. I used to love that show. What was it called again?
Um but yeah most of you people are lovely so yes :]

SHADDUP LOLGANNN :P

So the last few days have been worth my ban of money/going out of the house till muse.
And now I can play a new fun game, 'how to meet people and have fun on less that 65 cents!'
It's also good to know the ridiculous amount of fun I can have on facebook with camille ham.

God I have nothing and everything to say.
Today I had a wonderful picnic in a graffiti filled alleyway with 2 cool people and one cute couple and we played the violin and the guitar and for some strange reason people took photos and it was horrible am i being interesting yet?
Then I sat in a park for awhile with some cool kid called Abigail.
Then I came home and my brother stole my lemonade.
And yeah thats pretty much Melbourne.

Oh wait guys, CABS HERE! Ynow what time it is? TSHIRT TIME! but before that I gotta get BURGERZ FOR DA BOIZZ and see SEXY, SEXY RYAN. But lol srsly SHADDUP LOLGANNN :P

BURGERS FOR DA BOIIZZ

shhh I'm not here ajhsdlfhasjkdfhjklasdhf LOLZZZZZZZ


T SHIRT TIME
LOLZ

snooki 4 evs

and party cake
luv ittt
almost as much as i luv dis gurl ryt here lolllzyyy


luv from da ham xxxxxxx

Jesus stole my girlfrienddd

So my computers being a stupid fuck for some reason and not letting me read furthia high and concession. HAHA I MEAN WHAT? I DONT READ FURTHIA HIGH AND CONCESSION! they're like, totally gay comics about talking animals loll guise i would never! god would be ashamed of you!
uhh whatever. i thought having a tumblr was meant to make me cooler, not lead me to this path of utter nerdy..ness.

i went to peter alexander today which was funny. they had the most disturbing lip gloss flavours I have ever seen. At first I saw 'slice of pumpkin pie' and I was like yeah kay bit weird but whatever I can deal, and then I went on to find 'root beer float' and was sorta like, oh lol arent people eccentric these days! ..and then by the time i got to 'spiced rum cake' and 'tapioca pudding' i was like fuck this world. i am so at loss i want to check myself into a mental hospital right now and spend my days there in a straight jacket telling a suicidal anorexic disabled dwarf about my plan to rule the world and how i plan to assassinate invader zim.

anyway. triple j unearthed produces amazing shit.
i'm not at carey anymore. high fives yo.

i still owe money, owe money, to the money i owe.
i never thought about love when i thought about home.

True love waits in haunted houses

So whats up with the world these days guys?
amiright? amiright!?
ohgod for a second there i thought i'd lost joelle's ridiculously cute letter and i was having a fully loaded panic attack but then i found it. -insert sigh of relief here-
my stories are going down the drain in amusement level.

so. i only have one day left now. and i'm kind of really freaked out i'm going to cry because up until now it didnt really seem real that i was leaving and, like, whatever, but i don't know tomorrow it'll probably sink in and.. like, stuff. and i'll be totally fine and then someone will come up to me and be all, 'hey do you know if the drink taps are working' and i'll be like 'WHAT. NO. THEY PROBABLY AREN'T. THEY NEVER ARE. HUG ME, NEVER LET GO!' and then i'll start sobbing.
i'm hoping that person happens to be mellis, just because that would be such an endless cause for amusement in the future.

but i guess the generally weird thing is that i'm really excited and at the same time weird feeling.
i don't know.
its just like next year this huge chunk of my life will suddenly be completely disconnected from me and some of that is a good thing but some of that is bad and weird and confusing and like, how can something you were so used to suddenly not be there anymore? like maybe i didnt like it or whatever but its still my comfort zone and now it'll be this whole new life and its scary and freaky but i dont know. sometimes you have to take risks. to be. content. or happy. or. something. and i think it's going to be really cool. so thats really cool. but itll take some getting used to.

and i dont know who i'll stay in touch with.
because there are people that i need to keep friends with.
a lot.
and people i know i'll never talk to again which makes me kindof sad.
and people i never got the chance to talk to. and things i didnt get to do.
and things left. i dont know. unsaid. unacknowledged. something something.

whatever.
my rooms cursed and. guys that play the violin are really cool. apparently. even if they might be gay or something.

Gravity wont get you high.

-this is me resisting the urge to say guise again, as amusing as i happen to find it-
cant be bothered thinking of anything, so here is the approximate conversation i had with tenzin over what to call our band.
i didnt memorize it because it was that interesting, i just filmed it because we're making a documentary.
should i have not said that to resist looking gay? probably. whatever.

what about, sex bob omb only good? or like, yeah.
how about, shelves of suicide?
or like, neyo, only not.
dusty pages. a book with blank pages.
how about, a cloudless sky?
how about, the hum. or like, crash and the boys, only not at all.
gardening with my wife.
no, thats your tumblr name!
awesome brown hair, cos we've all kind of got different shades of brown hair, except you and tully are kinda the same.. actually how about, socially awkward death?
stupidity news. STUPIDITY NEWS.
uniformally awful? THATS GOOD. ITS LIKE, WE'RE ALL BAD.
where are you getting this? my mind. no you're not you're getting this from bill byson. i can see that book in your hand.
sticky tape fetish! what? that sounds like a 2 year old band! -angry muttering-
ramona flowers fetish.
sticky fetish.
fountain fetish.
survival of the fetish.
fanta fetish! -starts singing- I'VE GOT A FANTAAAA FETISHHH! ...um like you dont have to sing about our band name
whats something we all like? except books, cos that makes us sound nerdy. ..and we're not. -silence-
non designated fetish. or like, our friend the moose? -enthused agreeing-
OH! THE WASTELAND! JUNK FETISH! CONSUMING FETISH!
..how about like.introduction? ...what? no! ...what?
i still like the name confused. 'hi everyone, we're confused! we dont even know where we are! but we're having fun!'
how about anne frank sex? ....wut. yeah actually its sad, because she never got to have sex. -interested nodding.-
the fortress of fear? the fortress of love? THE FORTRESS OF LOVE!
..how about time heals beauty?
a series of unfortunate events? no, just no. 'bag them, and i'll kill your cat. i'll just kill it right now. I DONT JOKE.'
the tin whistle gone mad. wait no, that makes our band sound too extreme.
coming home with presents? only spelt like, prescence. actually no, thats bad. just MOVE ON.
how about headphone sex? cos you know like what headphone sex is right? -pretends to agree enthusiastically-

yeah imma stop.
band names are hard, apparently.
and the beatles are playing real loud from the living room.
and i keep texting different people at the same time they text me and its really frekin me out.

Black Rabbit Summer? More like Black Rabbit Bummer. ohmagawd lul

GUISE.
tumblr isnt working guise omg.
and something else is wrong but i've forgotten what it is and that makes whatever was wrong even worse because I can't remember what it is so now I have an overall uncomfortable feeling.
and I can't be bothered printing things even though i want to replace stuff on my pin board and awgawd its hot outside and i forgot what that feels like and its not actually that cool a feeling. hah. do ya geddit? cos like, you could take the 'cool' reference two ways which would both be accurate, since cool can be like an adjective for like fun or whatever, and then it can also mean like, cold weather, yeah? hah. hah. that was a good un'.
SHAME I'M TOO OVERALL UNCOMFORTABLE FEELING TO CARE.

I'll just keep sitting in this random beanbag listening to kings of leons overall moderately average to good new album and reading this overal moderately shitty book thats meant to be exciting and fast paced and pleasantly scary buts just shitty.
its probably because the main characters a guy, which means the whole book is just him getting turned on and finding himself witty when he isn't even. If I read one more freaking book where the main guy gets a boner I freaking swear to god.
I'm sick of it yo. And i know too much now.

...And they're not even good sex scenes. IMEANWHAT? WHAT? LOL IMMA FUCKIN HILARIOUS. HAH!

I hear my god in a coma freeze

I woke up at 11 this morning. aahlalalal so crazy!
The downside of life is that I finished by book on the guy in the psych ward with chronic depression who wanted to commit suicide. It had a pretty cute ending. The day before he left the hospital he hooked up with this girl who knifed her own face because she was under too much pressure of being hot. Then they went out. Twas' a good end for all.
I've been sleeping shittily lately. Because my parents keep going out and not getting home until like 1 when they wake me up by talking in a shouting voice for no reason. They're all, 'HEY BAZZA CAN YOU SHUT THE FRIDGE DOOR FOR ONCE,' 'mumblemumble INSERT CONFUSING DISJOINTED STRING OF WORDS I CANT UNDERSTAND BECAUSE I DIDNT HEAR THE FIRST BIT HERE.'

It's hot outside hey?
Cool.

I knew you when our common goal was waiting for the world to end.
Now that the truth is just a rule that you can bend,
You crack the whip, shape-shift and trick the past again

A constant gloom on the outside world.

Hey guise omg whats up guise!
I am still dealing with the aftermath of awkwardness from when I somehow found myself singing mr harrisons disgustingly horrible creation 'black yellow and gold or i dont even know' softly under my breath when I exited the train today.
especially when, whilst quietly humming this tune, I got so distracted by some young hipsters long slogan shirt that I failed to realise he was talking to me until we both found ourselves in the awkward situation where we knew he had spoken to me and we knew I hadn't heard and we also knew that I was currently staring somewhere in the vicinity of his nipples. Even worse, when he repeated his heartily interesting question, I was currently chewing my way through a mouth full of pretzels, so my answer ended up sounding somewhat like 'omphfgh.'
Anyway. Tenzin is now in my house painting her nails some strange 'so called 80's' colour for this no doubt painful 80's party where I'll look like a knob. Oh well. so will everyone else.
We had an amazing moment of inspiration today in our front garden sitting on cushions and ended up creating a genius song with deep, amazing lyrics and a, ahem, excuse the painful writing, 'fully kickass chord line.'
And now tenzins arm hurts from playing guitar and my voice is feeling, well hey, FINE after singin up a storm!
Anyway gotta go. Cat Empire are calling.

Here we go, 1,2,3,4

There's nothing left to hide
You can see it in my eyes
Oh I've tried to be who I thought you wanted
And if it's all a lie
The truth's not far behind
We could try to live right for the moment

I would write some inspirational heartfelt message about how I feel but I guess this more or less sums it up. Minus the bits where he goes 'ramona ramona ramona' which isn't particularly accurate.
Or maybe I just find these lyrics pretty. Or maybe I just like the song.

If only I had known
It's less than what I felt
Why should I have nothing to fear from?

Speaking of songs.
I wrote another song.
Tenzins going to come over and show me chords tomorrow.
I like to think the lyrics are slightly radiohead-ish but I think I'm just kidding myself.

I wrote another thing too.
I think I'm gonna call it experimental poetry. But I dont know.
Its kinda cool
but yeah i dont know.
I write a lot of stuff really late while i'm listening to weird radiohead and thinking about things i dont know shit about so. who knows.

anyway.
The scott pilgrim soundtrack is awesome.
every song is amazingly amazing. except for one. which is shit.
it must feel really crappy to be that one shit song.
like being a scientology crab in a sea of jesuses..es.

2 and a half days. hurhurhur mixed emotions.

I wonder if I'll ever see you again.
Talk to me like please.

I'M BACK, BITCHES !

Do you know how long i've wanted to say i'm back, bitches ! for?
fuck. that has literally been like, a life dream.
afuckinglifedream.
i feel like i'm from charlies angels or something.
i'd be drew barrymore, because i'm not only really pretty but i also know how to kick some ass!
speaking of drew.
i watched going the distance on the plane.
it was really really good.
especially the bit where they talked about masturbating and pigeons and had phone sex.
ohwow. i sound horny as a dandy. hurhurhur. geddit? hint: horny as a dandy is a song. i'm not literally.. flowers... sex.. yeah. ummmmm anyway.

fuck so singapore was really fun.
it was cool since dad was pretty much on business the whole time so he was just all like,
HERE MONEY. THERE CITY. CAITLIN. FUN.
i went crazy.
like seriously, if my love for shopping was theoretically a flame and the flame was slowly dying to a small, damp bit of ash, then this trip rekindled it into a fully blown bonfire in the hypothetical situation that someone was having a bonfire party with my love for shopping.
...umm. i bought a lot of shit.
i was sorta all like, 'HEYYY I'M IN SINGAPORE OMGGG IMMA GO BUY MYSELF SUM TRADITIONAL FOREIGN SHIT SO I CANNN LIKE LOOK RELLY COOL WHEN I GET MYSELF HOME IN FRONT OF MA MATES,' so i ended up buying like, all this weird shit at chinese, indian and iraqi flea markets. (yeah, indian and iraqi. i'm not even IN india. or iraq. fuckin mind explosion right there.)
soo i got, among other things, strange, rainbow hemp shoes, a traditional indian sari dress, some weird japanese lollies that taste like shit but look fuckin' pro, and some wooden sticks that i thought were incense but turned out to be things you burn in singaporean buddhist temples while you're praying.
say, thats SURE to come in handy at home while i'm pottering around the house!
but i bought cool shit too. like cd's and band tshirts and bracelets with rolling stone and marijuana leave signs on them.
and i ate a lot of things that i was pretty sure was secretly just my mums uterus artfully put together on a plate. fuck.
and now i'm coming home.
ya better have missed me, shitheads.